Kids Need Structure—And Fun. Grandparents; Here’s How to Give Them Both

Structure and consistency are crucial elements to raising well-behaved and resilient children. And, yes, grandparents play a role in this, too. It can be tempting to let your grands have their way and try to make every minute with you an experience they'll cherish forever. In fact, grandkids often expect it. But that can put you in a tough spot.

The easiest way to avoid becoming the "mean" or "strict" grandparent is to set expectations for good behavior from the start. This way, you won't have to backpedal, and your grandchild will never have had the chance to cross boundaries in the first place.

But let's be honest. It doesn't always work that way. Maybe you tried things your own way, and over the years, your grandchild has learned to manipulate you to get their way. In this case, it's probably time to ask Mom and Dad for advice.

Yes, we said go to your children for parenting advice. Why? Because children need consistency. Whatever Mom and Dad expect from your grandchild is also what you should expect from him or her. Whatever Mom and Dad are doing to discipline (or reward) is what you also should be doing. Same expectations, same rules, same consequences.

Consistency Is Key

Here are the basics for creating consistent expectations for your grandchild:

1. Learn as much as you can about what your grandchild is and isn't allowed to do at home. You may not be able to cover everything, but ask Mom and Dad for a list of do's and don'ts.
2. Create a list of rules for your house that's consistent with the rules in your grandchild's home. Show the list to your grandchild and discuss it with them. This way, they'll know they can't pull any fast ones on you.
3. Know what consequences your grandchild faces at home for breaking the rules or exhibiting bad behavior. Do they get a warning? A time-out? Learn the sequence of discipline from their parents and then implement it yourself.
4. Equally as important, understand how Mom and Dad reward their child for good behavior, and make your rewards consistent with theirs. Mom and Dad won't be too pleased if you reward something simple, like making their bed, with a trip to the playground if the reward at home is a high-five.
5. Respect and do your best to follow Mom and Dad's rules and methods of discipline, even if you don't agree with them.

Consistency isn't only about how you discipline or reward certain behaviors. Sticking to your grandchild's daily routine is another way to add structure, and it actually will help keep their behavior in check. (Added Bonus: Your own kids will thank you!)

You Can Still Do Some Things Your Way

While it's important to keep your grandchild's routines as consistent as possible, that doesn't mean you can't put your personal grandparent stamp on activities throughout the day. Unless Mom and Dad have given explicit directions for how each activity should be carried out, there's usually room for you to do some things your own way.

For instance, having your grandchild eat a healthy, balanced lunch might be the expectation, but no one said they had to eat it at the table. Your grandchild would love to have lunch picnic-style outside on the lawn or on the living room floor. A nightly bath may be nonnegotiable, but you can introduce a new toy or game to make bath time at your house extra fun. If reading before bed is another expectation, think of it as another chance to do things your way: Mom and Dad might prefer Sandra Boynton or Roald Dahl, but if you're more of a Shel Silverstein or E.B. White enthusiast, introduce your grandchild to those authors.

Putting your personal touch on routine activities ensures that your grandchild has the best of both worlds. Their schedule remains intact so they're less likely to deviate from expected behavior, but they have memories of extra-special moments with you.