Dealing with Defiance
When children start to turn the corner from the preteen years to adolescence, they seem to transform from small, adult company into larger, strange, moody beings who look at life more darkly and despise adults.
There are several reasons for this. Primarily, because of the way their brains are wired, tweens are typically bored by the things adults want them to do. They’re also beginning to see their parents in a different light. In a tween’s eyes, parents are no longer heroes who can do no wrong but are suddenly fallible and human, which means their authority can be questioned. Finally, tweens start to experience an intense desire for independence, even though they know they’re still dependent on their parents for things like money and transportation. This can lead to resentment and defiance.
When defiance happens — and it will — it’s important to meet it with teaching and effective negative consequences. Here are some tips:
- Don’t just correct the behavior; teach your tweens what they should do instead.
- Deliver consequences dispassionately, like a police officer issuing a traffic ticket.
- Choose consequences that are appropriate for the “size” of the negative behavior (e.g., don't ground your tween for a month for not taking out the garbage).
- Use consequences that will have a meaningful effect (e.g., taking away video game privileges might be much more effective than banishing tweens to their rooms, which is where they might want to be anyway).
In this age of smartphones and computers, one of the most effective negative consequences is restricting your child's access to technology. Tweens consider their communication devices to be as important as food or oxygen and will quickly toe the line if they’re separated from them.
In addition to issuing effective negative consequences, it is important to try your best to maintain a positive and open relationship with your tween. If they know they can trust and count on you, they’ll be much less likely to become defiant in the first place. A positive relationship also helps when giving out a negative consequence because your tween will understand they are receiving it for a specific infraction, not because you don’t like them.
