Moving from Control to Self-Control

Self-control is learned behavior, and all ​parents would like their children to have more of it. ​In order to learn self-control, however, children first must learn to let their parents control them. Following instructions is a good example. First, children have to learn to follow their parents' instructions. Over time, they then learn to follow instructions they give themselves. The same holds true for following rules, which are just "formal" types of instructions.

Here's an example of how this process works: A parent teaches his toddler son not to touch the DVD player by using a small amount of discipline like a brief time-out every time the toddler touches the player. The toddler's behavior won't change right away; in fact, he will probably touch the DVD player many times and spend a lot of time in time-out before he learns the rule of not touching the item. But with enough repetition, the toddler will eventually make the connection.

Then the toddler might approach the DVD player, but veer away without touching it. Being close to the DVD player has begun to make the toddler feel uncomfortable because he associates it with the discomfort of time-out. Now he is following his own instruction not to touch the machine. The same thing happens with appropriate behaviors, too. A parent praises a child to make his or her child feel good about doing the right thing. The child eventually begins to feel good about using the behavior and does it even when the parent is not around.

So when a parent teaches a child to follow a simple instruction or rule, there is a lot more going on. In short, parents who successfully manage their toddlers' behavior through teaching and discipline are laying the groundwork for their children to use self-control — managing their behavior on their own.