You did the right thing reaching out for support today. It is difficult when families and parents have differing tolerances. Many times the goal is the same: to help the child or children to be happy and healthy. However, there can be huge gaps in the parenting approach to this goal.
Your concern is valid, and the effect it may have on your stepdaughter could be damaging. The greatest challenge is that you cannot control your husband’s ex-wife. You can only control yourself and attempt to teach your stepdaughter right from wrong. If you want her to learn about solid, long-lasting self-respect, then you will have to teach it, as the modeling she observes does not always fit into that category. In the future, she can relate it to her own behaviors and friendships.
Try to limit how upset you feel about what is going on when your stepdaughter is not with you. I am not saying to turn a blind eye, just to focus your emotional strength. Have you, or is it possible to, address these concerns with her mother? What type of relationship remains between your husband and his ex-wife? Communication may be best accepted when the two of them communicate and he takes the lead role.
As far as your home, all of you should sit down at a designated time and hold a meeting. This may be difficult and you will probably be met with some un-accepting behaviors, but try to keep the conversation focused on letting her know, in a calm manner, why you have these rules. Even if you have said them several times in the past, sitting down together at a time other than during a dispute and affirming that you love and care deeply for her is very important.
Afterward, continue to use those loving rationales when you make decisions and hold her to the rules. Try to point out positive aspects about her, just as she naturally is. Tell her how beautiful her eyes are without makeup or how much you enjoy having her home with you to watch TV together.
Check online at www.boystownpress.org for resources on parenting, and suggest that she look at our teen website at yourlifeyourvoice.com. She can read e-mails from other teens, and she’ll find that what you are doing is being a good parent.
Remember to focus on your family, communicate and show positive attention for even the littlest of things.
