Having consistent misbehavior that seems to always come up can be very frustrating. It is a good idea to learn parenting strategies and techniques that might help with your child during these times. It sounds like the tantrums are happening over being asked to do a task and his emotions get charged up because he doesn't want to follow instructions. First, it is always important to stay calm while he is having a tantrum. Being calm will help to not escalate his emotions and you will also set a good example of how he should act during stressful situations. It can be helpful to eventually talk with him about his misbehavior and what he should do or say instead at another time when he is calm. Waiting an hour or more so he is able to reflect and then discuss better ways to control his emotions and choices is a good strategy. Also, you could consider setting up a reward system and use consequences. If he doesn't have a tantrum and completes the task, he can get more free time, a special treat or another positive consequence. And if he doesn't do the task, he could have time taken away from something he enjoys doing, not get a treat or some other consequence. This is a technique to teach him better ways to handle himself in these situations.
Shaping behavior with both positive and negative consequences can teach your child to be more responsible in managing his behavior, and he has the opportunity to earn rewards when he follows through. You can teach him to use better words and actions when he is frustrated by asking him when he is calm, “What words and actions would make things better when this happens?" You could also provide reasons to use these words and actions like, “If the task is complete, it will make your evening better, you can earn a treat and feel proud of yourself for how you handled things." This teaching can be effective to prevent tantrums in the future since he knows what to do and say instead.
It's a good idea if you could try to track and see if there are patterns to his tantrums: for example, are they happening when he is asked to do homework, go to bed, do a chore, etc. When there are patterns, you can predict what is likely to happen and make some adjustments to how you handle those times and situations. If there are patterns – like the tantrums tend to happen when he is tired – you can take that into account when working out what changes need to be made. Finding pattens help you adjust and alter things to make it easier for you and your son to manage these difficult situations.
If needed, you can get help from a professional like a therapist or school counselor, or even start with his pediatrician or primary care doctor. Also, we have trained Crisis Counselors here who are available 24/7 who you can talk with for support and strategies to help during trying times.
The most important thing is to stay calm, be consistent and look at these difficult times as teaching opportunities for your son to learn better ways to handle difficult emotions. We are here for you if you want to call, or you can also visit our website www.parenting.org for additional ideas and support.
