Thanks for reaching out to Boys Town; we're glad you emailed us today. It's understandable that you're feeling hurt when your daughter acts like this – we certainly want to help you find ways to navigate these feelings. You shared that she is acting similar to her father, though you got a divorce because of his abusive behavior so it makes sense why this would bring up anger and betrayal for you. Raising a teenager can already be difficult and, on top of having to deal with leaving an abusive marriage, it can seem even harder. You're taking the right steps by reaching out for support in this situation.
It is understandable that it would be upsetting when it seems like your daughter is purposely pushing your buttons. Take note of which behavior(s) of hers leads up to these fights. This can help prevent the situation from escalating if you are able to walk away for a moment to allow yourself a breather before interacting with her again. This doesn't mean you should ignore the situation. But by engaging with and arguing with her, it only reinforces her misbehavior and escalates the situation. So, do what you need to do to stay calm and in control – it will help keep the temperature down.
Consistency and consequences are key with teenagers. Your daughter will need to understand that her behaviors are not acceptable, and this can be taught to her through the effective use of consequences, both positive and negative. Here's a link to using consequences effectively with teenagers: https://www.parenting.org/article/Pages/giving-consequences-that-work.aspx?%2Farticle%2Fgiving-consequences-that-work=
Your feelings surrounding this issue are valid. It is hurtful to be treated poorly. You are her mom, and we know that you care about her and want a better relationship. It may be beneficial for you to seek out consistent support from a therapist who can help you work through the emotions from your experiences with your ex-husband and daughter's behavior. It sounds like there was a lot of hurt and betrayal from that relationship that may be spilling over into the relationship with your daughter. Even though you are a parent, you are still a person of your own who needs support. You still need to make time for self-care. Make sure to find time for what you need and to do things that you enjoy.
While you have your own experiences with your ex-husband, he is still her father and it sounds like she sees him differently. Watching parents get divorced as a child can be really hard to understand, even if it was the best decision. Your daughter may need someone outside of the situation to talk to, whether that's a therapist, a school counselor or another trusted adult – and she can also call our Hotline at 1-800-448-3000 or visit our website for teens at https://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/home.aspx.
In addition, here are some links to parenting information that you might find helpful and relatable:
It's great that you reached out and are looking for support. We encourage you to continue doing so. Parenting can be a lot to handle, especially with other factors involved. You don't have to go through this by yourself. We are here for you during this journey.
