You are not alone. Adolescence can be a tough period for both parents and teens. The good news is this phase is not forever and things typically get better as teens get older. Your son's behavior sounds fairly typical for his age group. Although it is very stressful and seems like he wants nothing to do with you, he actually needs you more than ever. Teens go through so many changes both physically and emotionally. During these years, they are not the young child you remember and tend to become rather obstinate and difficult to interact with.
However, he still needs you to set boundaries even if it seems like he is demanding you stop. Teens need parameters as they grow and mature, especially when they are going through this tumultuous time. So, continue to find those opportunities to teach, set limits and give consequences for both positive and negative behaviors when they are warranted. The purpose of consequences is to give kids guidelines to live by which helps them feel safe, curbs misbehavior and increases positive behaviors. Positive consequences are very important; they let kids know when they are doing well, which can help build up their feeling of self-worth as well as encourage more positive behavior in the future.
Negative consequences can involve taking away things, activities or time your son enjoys (e.g., less time on electronics or cell phone), while positive consequences can involve giving him more time doing things he likes (e.g., extra time with friends or staying up late). Always be on the lookout for opportunities when your son is behaving appropriately and recognize (and reward!) him…it is so important to catch him being good versus just giving him consequences for negative behavior.
One of the most important things is to check in on him and continue to love him through these mood swings and difficult times. Let him know you are there and want to support him – and always will be as his parent. Also, take care of yourself. It may be good for you to get outside support with counseling, reading parenting books or looking for other resources and supports so you can prepare yourself to get through this time as well as possible.
Again, remember that this teen phase is not permanent and will pass, and that it is important to continue to stay connected, set limits and give support when you can. There will be times when you can negotiate situations, but he still needs to know that you are the parent and are responsible for giving him what he needs in life even if he doesn't agree or like it.
We have an amazing book and video available from the Boys Town Press: Adolescence and Other Temporary Mental Disorders DVD | Dr Patrick Friman | Boys Town Press. The book and video give great insight into the teen mindset and present the information with humor and hope. The information brings honesty and effective strategies to situations where parents might not know what to do to improve them.
We also have a great website – Parenting Tips, Guides and Tools – that has a lot of information on parenting skills that can help you. Finally, we are here 24/7 so you can call and speak with one of our trained counselors whenever you need to.
It is great you are looking for support! You are an involved parent who wants to find ways to ease the stress in your home and family. Bottom line, there is hope and you are not alone.
