Son Stealing Money and Lying About It

My son took $40.00 out of my purse and lied about it twice. When he was questioned he said that he knew that all he had to do is ask (my husband said he had been missing money a lot lately.) I work full-time, so it is very hard for me to have him grounded. He is not a bad kid. I'm just not sure how to punish him. When I was a child we just got a spanking.

Thank you for reaching out for help with your son. Like most parents, you will occasionally need some help with your kids. Good parents ask for help. We advocate that it takes two things to raise children, the heart is the unconditional love you have for your children that enables you to support them as they learn and grow. The head means using a logical, practical method of teaching your children skills to help them to be self-disciplined.

Lets look at some logical, practical things you can use in response to this stealing and lying behavior. First of all do you know what he did with the money? Has he hidden it in his room? Has he given it away to others? Those answers will help determine how to teach him to have his needs met in a more acceptable way. Children should be held responsible for replacing things they have damaged or stolen by repaying what they owe. We often suggest using chores that they can get paid for doing. It is a matter of book keeping rather than an exchange of cash. Some parents use money that is saved in a piggy bank to pay against the debt. The message you want him to hear loud and clear is that when he takes something without permission that does not belong to him, it needs to be replaced and that is his responsibility.

Often children are dishonest to avoid consequences. When they are successful by being dishonest, the behavior is reinforced and they feel they have outsmarted the adults or whomever they were dishonest with. Stealing is a behavior that carries it's own consequence as we talked about earlier, but the fact that he lied carries a consequence of its own.

For being dishonest he perhaps loses the privilege of watching a favorite TV program for a certain amount of time or playing with a specific game or toy. When teaching alternative behaviors we know that if our children can practice doing it right, they are more likely to form new habits of being honest. To have him practice, tell him that in the morning before he leaves for school either you or his father will ask him three questions. You will already know the answer to two of them. When he is honest, he will earn something, credit on toward his debt or something, if he is dishonest there will be negative consequences and he will loose something or have to do additional chores. Keep practicing not just in the morning but do the exercise again in the evening.

Your question was about consequences and the fact that you are not there to ensure that grounding is followed through on. You are exactly right. Never use consequences that you are unable to monitor. The damage that occurs is similar to him getting by with being dishonest. He thinks he is smarter than his parents. Negative consequences can be loss of privileges or addition of a small chore. Effective consequences have certain qualities. They are meaningful to to your child, issued immediately, contingent on the behavior and about the right size in relationship to the seriousness of the behavior. If used consistently along with teaching the alternative there can be a tremendous reduction in the negative behavior.

We encourage parents to look at different categories of consequences. Identify what your child likes to do on a day to day basis. Then find out what he likes to do if it is a special reward for good behaviors. Who does he like to spend time with? What are his favorite snack foods that could be used as rewards? What are his favorite possessions that he would be willing to work for? Once you identify these, you can use them as rewards for good behaviors. If you are looking for negative consequences you can use the same list only he wouldn't get to do the things he likes or wouldn't get to spend time with the people he enjoys or wouldn't get to have the things he likes to possess.

Hopefully you will find this information helpful. You and your husband should talk this over. Plan what you are going to use and how you will present it to him. Then present it together so you represent a united front. That will lessen the chance he will attempt to manipulate his parents.

Let us know how this goes and if we can be of further help. Don't hesitate to call us at 1-800-448-3000. We are available to take your call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Pat, Crisis Counselor

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