Problems with Five and Eight Year Old Sons

Our two boys ages 5 & 8 will not listen to anything we say, they are disrespectful to us and other people. They fight and hit each other and hit us when they get angry. We have used time outs in the past and have taken away things like TV. This used to work, but now it doesn't anymore. Any suggestions?? Thanks

We're glad to hear from you here at the hotline. It sounds as if you are having a hard time with your sons right now. From what you are saying, they are disrespectful of you and others and can be physically aggressive.

First, you have said that you have tried time-outs and loss of privileges and that this has worked in the past but is not working now. I am wondering if there have been any changes in your family recently (i.e. a move, a new baby)? If there have been any changes, children do not always know how to express their concern or anxiety, so they will act out. If this is the case, you may want to look into some counseling for them. If you give us a call here at the hotline, we can give you referrals.

So, if things haven't changed at home and they are still acting in this manner, here are some things that might help. First, there needs to be a clear definition of the rules in your home. Have a family meeting with your boys and lay out the rules with them. You can include them in the rule making and listen to what they have to say but ultimately the rules in the home are up to you and your husband. Since they are young, you may even want to post the rules on a wall in your home. An example of some of your rules might be, no hitting, yelling, bad language or destruction of property. Since they are young it will be important to be very concrete with the rules. For example, a rule that states no disrespectful behavior, is too vague for kids this age. You want to lay out for them exactly what the expectations are.

Once you have established rules, next will come consequences. Time outs are a good consequence, as are loss of privileges. You know your children, better than anyone, so you know what is important to them. A consequence needs to be direct and specific to the offense. Taking away a privilege from an eight year old for a week or more will not work because they see that as an unending period of time and will see no end to the punishment. Therefore they will not have motivation to change their behavior.

Being consistent can be one of the most difficult things as a parent. Your sons may try and take advantage of you, if you are tired or busy doing other things. It is important for you to get the support that you need. If you find yourself losing your temper as a result of their outbursts, try and stay calm and remove yourself from the situation until you are feeling more calm.

The best way we can help you here at the hotline, is for you to give us a call. We are here 24-hours a day and want to help.

Take Care and Hope to Hear from You Soon,
Jennifer, Crisis Counselor

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