Son Breaking Rules on Purpose

What do you do when punishment, rewarding, and talking just don't seem to get through to them? My son is constantly bending, breaking, and playing dumb when it comes to rules. Being consistent and loving aren't doing anything.

Thank you for contacting the Hotline for help with your son's behaviors. It sounds as though you are using many of the parenting strategies that we recommend. Having rules, enforcing them and using consequences and rewards when the rules are followed and when they are not and most of all consistency and love. These are all right on target.

Sometimes when revising strategies it helps to actually write down the rules that you have. Have a "family meeting" and read them aloud to your children . Or in the case of your 14 year old, you could have him read them. Then ask the children if there are questions about any of the rules. The kinds of questions you are looking for are the "what ifs". If the children do not have any questions, then ask some of them that you suspect may arise and have them help answer them.

Review and question each rule individually. Then take it a step further and talk about why it is important to have a rule like that, let the children come up with some of the reasons adding your own at the end. Then discuss that there will be rewards if the rule is followed and consequences if they are bent, broken or tested by claiming they didn't know what it meant.

Let the children know that each of their consequences will not necessarily be the same because they are all individuals, different ages etc... What makes it fair is that if the rules are followed there will be a reward and if not followed, there will be negative consequences.

When developing consequences for each child just make sure that they all meet criteria for effective consequences. They must be;

1.) meaningful for the child, it has to be important for them
2.) immediate, this helps them make the connection better.
3.) contingent on the behavior, "because you... this is your consequence
4.) about the right size, "the time fits the crime" if a large or serious behavior, there must be a large or serious consequence.

Watch for the good things your son is doing also. Catch him being good!

Hopefully this will be helpful with your situation. Please stay in touch and let us know if this situation is improving. If you would like to talk with a counselor about this parenting issue or others, please give us a call. We have counselors available 24/7. Hope to hear from you soon.

Pat, Crisis Counselor

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