Teens In Controlling Relationships

I have a 16 year old daughter that I feel is in a controlling relationship. She is allowing him to control all aspects of her life even telling her who she can speak to. She has given up speaking and hanging out with her friends. I have tried to talk to her about this but she says it is because I don't like him. I have only met him once and he refuses to come here. He is 17 years old, no longer in school, and is not working. Please help!

It sounds like you are very concerned about your daughter's relationship with her current boyfriend. One thing to keep in mind is that teens whose parents talk to them about dating, are better prepared to enter into relationships and happier when they are in them.

Sometimes we can panic about things like dating and come down hard with rules - without having a strong connected relationship. Make sure that you take time to listen, spend time together, be encouraging, as well as setting your guidelines for dating. When a close relationship between both of you is in place, your teen will be much more likely to accept your advice about dating.

Try to be calm with your daughter regarding her boyfriend, and in control of your responses. Overreacting, panicking, and controlling responses can result in them shutting down and not sharing - and you want to keep the lines of communication open.

Sometimes forbidding a relationship makes it more desirable. Other times, a parent needs to declare their concerns and not allow the relationship. You will need to ask yourself questions like, what is your greatest fear? And what can you control with this relationship?

It sounds like a big concern lies in the controlling behavior you have witnessed by her boyfriend. Teens often haven’t developed the ability to trust themselves, and the sense to get out of a bad relationship. This may be the case with your daughter.

Meeting the boyfriend of your daughter is preferable, and a concern if he doesn’t want to meet you. Let your daughter know you would like him to come over for dinner, and set a specific date. If he comes over, try to make it a positive experience. If you take the high road and he is rude, it may help your daughter to “see the light.”

Parenting is challenging, and your daughter needs you. Although parents ultimately have to do what they feel in the end is best for their child, your relationship with her and your approach to this situation will be critical in reaching the outcome that you desire.

Take care,
Michelle, Crisis Counselor

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