Talking to Teens About Boyfriend/Girlfriend Relationships

How do you talk to a 13 year about being in a boyfriend girlfriend relationship. My husband and I feel as though she is to young to be in a relationship. She doesn't understand just being friends is okay and that she needs to focus on school now. Thank you

Thank you for reaching out to the Hotline for help with your daughter. The topic is one that I am sure you want to discuss very clearly with her. Sometimes because a 13 year old feels that they are very "grown-up", it works to ask her to define what being in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is, what it means. That way you will get a better feel for what her thoughts are and what she feels the expectations are of being a girlfriend. Use this opportunity to discuss boundaries by asking her if it is okay for people to ask certain questions, say or do certain things. By asking these questions you will be able to more easily guide her to what you think is appropriate.

Give her some guidelines for healthy boundaries if necessary.

• How much you allow others within your physical and emotional boundaries depends on how long you have known them and how much you like and trust them.
• The amount of self-disclosure should be based on how well you know someone and how much you trust them.
• You need to have reciprocal trust that is appropriate.
• If you expect others to respect your boundaries, you must respect theirs.
• When someone tries to violate your boundaries, use the experience to be more successful in the future.
• Trust your feelings of comfort and discomfort when you are around others, allow your boundary "radar" to go on alert.
• Never hesitate to ask a trusted adult questions about your boundaries and whether they are appropriate.
• Speak up when someone or something bothers you.
  There are definite guidelines for building healthy relationships also.
• Take your time. Getting to know some one occurs as you have many experiences together.
• Balance the give and take.
• Don't worry too much about the relationship, be yourself.
• Adjust to change as you each develop different interests.
• Examine past relationships and learn from them.
• Look for good qualities.

All of these things are just suggestions and certainly you and her father can add to the list.
There are wonderful books available that resemble work-books. You may consider purchasing one of these and working through it with her. One of our favorite references is a book called Boundaries, A Guide for Teens. It is written by Val J. Peter and Tom Dowd. You can find it in the Boys Town Press at www.boystown.org/press.

Good luck with this topic and be sure to keep us in mind when other issues come up that you would like to consult with someone on. We have counselors available to talk with you also, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Sincerely,
Pat, Crisis Counselor

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