Teenager Expressing Violent Thoughts

My daughter has been getting more angry/sassy toward me (mom) and her 9 year old sister. Their father gets them 4 days out of the month and she idolizes him. BUT she also disrespects him and gets away with everything when she is there. I on the other hand disclipline and have boundaries. She tells people she wants to live with him. (There is much history here and this will never be an option)but I spoke with another parent because I was hurt by this. So, I allowed her to begin going there every weekend. She still strives for my approval and I show her I love her and praise her. Here is the thing, you may think I'm horrible for this, but I caught her in many contradictions and she is lying to me more often and I am a mother above all else, so I read her diary. In it she called me names like jerk and stupid, says she hates me, talked about kissing a boy, swearing with her friends, and the part that concerns me is she wrote she wants to murder her sister slowly so she suffers. Is this normal? I am a writer myself and taught them to vent by writing and I understand dark feelings need to be vented but is this normal at age 11? She never really gets violent with her sister, sometimes there will be shoving on both their ends, that they get reprimanded for but nothing more physically violent than this. Is this cause for alarm?

Thank you for contacting our hotline! I'm glad you are reaching out for help. It is apparent that you care deeply about your daughters and want what is best for them. You have done a great job by teaching them to write about their feelings. This is a skill which they can use for the rest of their lives.

You ask a very interesting question about what your daughter wrote in her diary. On one hand we want our kids to be able to express their anger in a non-violent way, but it can be alarming to learn what those thoughts really are. Is it "normal".... I think if your daughter would have written about "how" she wanted to murder her sister, "where" she planned to do it...then it would be a definite cause for concern.

Unfortunately, our society is bombarded with sexual and violent images in the media. At this age, she may fantisize about handling her anger or frustration with her sister in a violent way if she has been exposed to those things in books, movies, video games, etc. Do you know why she might be angry with her sister? It might be best at this point to keep an eye on your daughter's interactions with her sister, as well as her friends. You need to know her friends and who she is spending time with away from school. There was a reason you felt the need to look into your daughter's diary. If you feel the need to do it again, then listen to your instincts.

If you have additional concerns, or things seem to be getting worse--reach out for help from the school or your pediatrician. Take care, and know that we are available by phone as well. Our counselors are here 24 hours, 7 days a week!

Sincerely,
Cynthia, Hotline Crisis Counselor

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