Nine Year Old Having Tantrums

We have a nine-year-old daughter, an only child. Lately, she's been arguing more and we know that's all part of the growing process, and testing limits, and all that, but within the past month, she just goes into a complete emotional meltdown when we argue, especially when we're confronting her with doing something wrong. She'll flat-out deny it, and then when we confront her, if the argument goes on a minute or two, she just starts yelling, interrupting and just going into hysterics. It always ends with us yelling at her and inevitably she's losing privileges. The arguing has been going on for a few months, but like I said, these complete meltdowns have just started the last month or so. Thank you in advance for your help.

Thanks for contacting us at the Hotline. It sounds like you're going through a lot with your daughter right now. You're absolutely right that often times children can try testing limits by throwing temper tantrums, however it sounds like your daughter’s tantrums are definitely something that can't be ignored.

Have you ever tried talking with your daughter about her behavior after the "meltdown" takes place? It may be helpful to confront the issue before she is upset about something else and not already in her tantrum mode. It also may be helpful to see if she is “set off” by certain people, over similar situations, or certain times during the day like when she is tired.

Maybe you could set aside a specific time to talk with your daughter about her behavior and ask her questions to find out why she is getting so angry when you confront her. Hopefully she will be open to communicating about what she's feeling and then you will be able to come up with a plan of action to avoid future meltdowns when arguments come up.

AT 9, she may have a difficult time knowing how to express her frustrations. It may be helpful to discuss appropriate ways of expressing herself such as writing down how she's feeling or taking deep breaths and then calmly discussing what she's thinking. The best thing you can do when she's having one of her meltdowns is to remain calm. I know it can be very difficult, but remaining calm and speaking to her in a normal tone of voice can set a great example for her to follow. I hope this advice has been helpful to you.

We also have a 24-hour hotline that you can call to speak with a counselor directly if you feel that would be of more help to you. We would love to hear from you! Take care.

Katie, Counselor

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