Rage

My 8 year old is showing signs of rage. I want her to be able to express herself but she has extreme highs and lows. She has always been over dramatic and used whining and crying to try and get her way. We held fast and the behavior stopped, but it appears to have come back with a vengeance. She cries if there's any change in her schedule. She gets enraged at anything she doesn't understand instantly and instead of talking out her feelings she hides her face, screams, kicks things or slams things. I want to deal with this before it gets out of hand. I often have to walk away because I feel like I'm going to scream and loose control which is exactly what I don't want her to do. She doesn't act like this in school so she can control herself. Should I seek therapy for anger management or is it just another phase?

Thank you for your recent email regarding your 8 year old daughter. I am glad that you are reaching out for help and support. You have experienced success in the past to change her crying and whining behavior.

It is interesting to note that your daughter is only struggling at home. I would encourage you to be very observant for the next couple of days to determine if there are particular times or situations that would give you clues to developing a plan to help her. Is there a pattern to her outbursts? Are there particular times at home that are more difficult?

In order to best help your daughter, determine exactly how you would like her to behave, define steps and put simple descriptive terms to those steps. Once that is done, you will need to teach her the appropriate response. For instance, if you would like her to follow your directions, teach her to look at you when you speak, say okay right away and then do what you are asking her to do. Be sure to mention the behaviors that you do not want her to engage in as well. Don't wait for her to misbehave before addressing the problem.

Practice with her at a neutral time just as you would practice other skills such as learning to cross the street or dialing 911. Be sure to enthusiastically describe exactly what she does when she completes the steps properly. Praise, praise, praise! Finally, if she practices appropriately offer positive reinforcement - a small tangible reward such as a snack or extra reading time with you or a chance to play a game.

In addition, there is a possibility that she is just worn out after a long school day. Even though she does well at school, it may be hard work for her to maintain her behavior in the classroom. Once she is home she may need more time to relax. Look at her after school and evening routine. Can you make adjustments that will allow her more free time or extra sleep?

Please know that we are available for you round the clock. It sounds like you are well aware of the challenges of parenting and are taking good steps to do your best. Parenting is hard work. If you decide that you would like to talk through some of what you might do to change her behavior or would like a listening ear to vent some of your feelings feel free to give us a call.

Thanks again for your email.

Sincerely,
Linda, Crisis Counselor

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