Teenager With Problem Behaviors

My son who is 18 and still in high school does not follow house rules comes and goes as he pleases and when he does not get his way becomes verbally abusive towards me. He does not go to school (he's on his third high school). He has stolen money from me and his dad, and our credit cards. His license has been suspended for nine months due to numerous speeding tickets. He has outstanding speeding tickets in another state and they have a warrant out for arrest. I am at my wits end, I don't know what to do. There is a lot of stress in this house and no one is happy. Can you offer any advice or a support group or something. My son has been diagnosed with narcissim, ADD, ODD and other personality disorders and there are no medications that can help him they only make his behavior worse. Thank you for any help you can offer.

Thank you for contacting the Hotline for help with your son. Raising children can be a difficult job and once they reach a certain age, their resistance to our guidance can become unmanageable.

It sounds like your son's diagnosis are getting in the way of his success. Is he currently in counseling? Usually it is a combination of counseling and medication that helps balance emotions and consequently behaviors. You mentioned that medication has only made things worse. There are new medications available continually to help those who are not helped by the older well established medications. We all respond to chemicals differently and perhaps they haven't found the right one yet.

If he is not in school, is he working? If he is working, is he paying toward his debts? Does he own the car that he is driving when he gets these tickets or is it yours? Not knowing the answers to these questions makes it difficult to get a grasp on the magnitude of this problem. Perhaps it would be more effective to just focus on a plan to improve the situation.

It is never too late to establish clear expectations for your son. You and your husband decide exactly what you expect of him on a daily basis. If he is home during the day, what responsibilities, chores, does he have? You determine what he is to do, how it is to be done and when it needs to be completed. Also, set ahead of time, what the consequences are if he does not meet your expectations. Another area you should determine is how he can go about repaying his debts. Do him a favor and set it up like a business would indicating when the payments are due, how long it will take him to pay them off and what happens to him if he doesn't make the payments on time. These experiences will help him feel how the "real world" works. His disrespectful language is not acceptable and will cost him his job some day, or his relationship. Label it each time you hear it as inappropriate language and have him think of another way he could have expressed himself in a more socially acceptable way.

Consequences you use with him should meet a certain criteria. They should first of all be manageable. Do not punish yourself or issue them and not be able to monitor that they are followed through on. Make sure they are meaningful to your son,( use of the car, the cell phone, computer, etc...) These things are privileges and can be controlled by you and your husband. They should be issued immediately and contingent on his behavior. Make sure they are about the right size in relationship to the behavior.

Have you considered the Job Corp as an option for him to get his High School education, have a place to live and be earning some money? Your county Department of Social Services office can help you look at options for finding help for your son through therapy, as well as housing and some employment training.

If you would like to call the Hotline at 1-800-448-3000, a counselor can help you locate resources in your area. If you would like to talk with a counselor, we are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Stay in touch and let us know if this situation improves or worsens.

Sincerely,
Pat, Crisis Counselor

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