Power Struggles

I am having problems getting my 4 year old to listen to me. He listens to his father but when I tell him to do something he just says no or it ends up being one big power struggle. I have tried timeouts; I have even tried spanking as a last resort. He laughs at me when I spank him. When it turns into a power struggle I always end up crying wondering what I am doing wrong. I have an auto-immune syndrome which limits me most days. It is like he knows that mom is not up to a power struggle so he pitches a fit in hopes of winning. He does not. He eventually does what I want him to but it usually takes a lot of tears and emotion on both our parts. I love my son and I want to be a good parent but I feel like I am fighting a losing battle.

You are a good parent...good parents reach out for help and learn new ways to deal with parenting challenges. I know you are frustrated and at times not feeling well. On a practical level I want to share with you some information from our website- the process called "16 Basic Social Skills".

You might want to practice with him when there is no problem, then when emotions flare up during a real "no" situation you'll be able to refer to the teaching. It's good that you no longer use spanking and that you don't give in to his demands. You will want to praise him whenever you catch him doing what you want him to do. I know it's not easy, maybe exhausting is a better word, but remain as calm & strong in the knowledge that you can win and he can learn.

You may be correct that he is testing you when you are not feeling well. A 4 year old may feel frightened or frustrated when a parent is not fully up to speed. Sometimes kids will behave negatively just to get attention from an adult. It may be important for you to come up with ideas of things that he can do along side you when you are not feeling well like reading books, coloring or watching videos together. You may be surprised how much better he behaves by giving him attention when you are not feeling well. You could even call the time together something special like “mommy & me” time.

If you feel like it would help to talk in more detail, feel free to call our 24 hour crisis line 1-800-448-3000. It's great that you are reaching out for help!

Sincerely,
Diana

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