Teenage Son Being Heavily Influenced By His Peers

My 18 year old son is still in high school. For the first time we are having trouble with him. He is running with a group that is drinking and drugging, and says I am too strict. Although he has been a good student his grades are bad - 2 out of three classes are "D's". We believe he has a wonderful home life - an engaged step father who does activities with him he loves, a mom who has always been involved in his activities and supported him, nice home, wonderful, supportive extended family, both parents JPL officers. His dad died when he was 8. My son left last night and is staying with a friend who is living with his girlfriend. The friend is good and trustworthy, but the girlfriend likes to "party". He says he wants to move out. He has a car we paid for on our insurance, a cell phone we pay for, and no job. How do I get him to come home? He told me he attempted suicide by drinking two years ago, and I found the bottle under the bed with a few sips gone. I am afraid of pushing him too far. A close friend who has know our family for years said he is trying to manipulate us into letting him back home on his terms, but there is nothing wrong with our rules and we shouldn't negotiate with him. I am afraid if I don't he will move in with some of the bad peers he is seeing.

I can certainly understand your parenting frustrations. It is really hard to watch a child who has done so well for so long start to make poor choices. Parenting a soon to be independent adult is tricky business and unfortunately, might be the most painful of all parenting stages. Now that your son is ready to finish school and move into the adult world you must trust that the parenting you have done for the past 18 years will protect him and guide his actions.

One of his developmental tasks is to establish an identity apart from you and his stepfather. Some separation from his immediate family is appropriate and to be expected. Your job now is to step back a little and allow him the room to make decisions for himself and to bear the consequences of those choices.

It is important to continue to implement rules, structure and consequences in your home. Because you finance his cell phone and car you do have some leverage. Motivate your son to return home by setting limits on the use of the tangible items you have given him. If he is not living under your roof, he does not have access to the privileges granted to one living in your home. Explain that you will continue to pay for the cell phone if he is willing to be home every night at a certain time, eat meals with the family, be civil to all of you or whatever basic rules you have for him now.

The use of a car and phone are privileges, not rights.

In addition, make your home environment rich. While inside you might be screaming, show patience and support for him during this difficult time. Rather than telling him what you think he should do, spend time asking him what he would like to do and listen to his answers. It might take some doing to get to the point where he trusts that he can share what he is feeling but with time and adherence to some self imposed guidelines (not interjecting with your opinion or strongly reacting to what is being said) he will see you as someone with whom he can share his feelings and ask for advice.

Feel confident that you have taught him right from wrong and that over the past 18 years you have instilled in him good problem solving ability. It is his job now to find where he fits in the world and to bear the consequences of his decisions. Once a child discovers that his/her parents aren't trying to control every situation and that he/she has the choice to either abide by the rules of the home or leave, the is a greater harmony.

It is concerning that you son is scoring poor grades and using alcohol. I am assuming that he will graduate from high school soon. Contact the counselor at school to determine whether your son will graduate with the grades he is currently receiving just to give you piece of mind. Often times, near the end of formal schooling there is a let down if academic performance has no bearing on graduation. Set strict guidelines regarding the use of alcohol making it clear that he is not to bring alcohol into your home and that should he need a ride because he has been drinking that he call you to come and get him. If he makes the choice to drink and you are aware of his drinking (returns home drunk or calls you from a party for a ride) implement consequences such as requiring him to do extra chores or require that he complete community service for your church or nearby senior citizen village, etc.

It is concerning that your son confided his intention to end his life two years ago. Be sure to explore with him what was going on in his life at that time and whether he has felt suicidal in the past two years. It is important that he seek treatment if he is continuing to experience thoughts of ending his life.

The Boys Town National Hotline is a 24 hour short term crisis line dedicated to helping families and children. Sometimes, it is much easier to talk about what is going on by telephone rather than in an email. Would you consider giving a counselor a call to talk through your parenting concerns? I know that the above information might be difficult to digest without the give and take of questions and answers. Please feel free to give the Hotline a call at 1-800-448-3000 at your convenience for more assistance. We are here to give suggestions or to help you to work through how you are feeling. You have a tough job. We are here to help lighten your load a little bit.

Feel free to give your son our number as well. We talk with teens about all kinds of issues. We will make certain to help your son think through his options and lead him to make good choices. It is certainly important for your son to know that he can contact the Hotline for any reason, especially if he is experiencing suicidal thoughts. Our number if toll free and can be made from any telephone.

Take care and thank you for contacting the Boys Town National Hotline.

Sincerely,
Linda, Crisis Counselor

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