Thirteen Year Old Having Inappropriate IM Conversations

I just found out some disturbing information about my daughter. She has been having totally inappropriate conversations on her instant messenger. I am talking beyond inappropriate for a 13 year old! It is almost like she is living a double life! I dont even know where to start I am so irrate and sad! I need to know what to do first and how to do it because at this point I want to ground her for life-really! Please Help

Thank you for reaching out for help with this issue with your daughter. Parenting can be the most frustrating job you will ever have but certainly the most important one you will ever have! No matter how hard you work at it, your child will sometimes make poor choices and find themselves in trouble.

You chose very good words when describing your feelings. The "irate" is what she will focus on and be able to detect through your voice tone and body language. The "sadness" is what we suggest you focus on. Use that word with her and make sure she understands why it saddens you. She has disappointed you and her father, she has broken the trust you had in her when allowing her to use the computer, she has damaged her own reputation by using communication that portrays her as a crude, sexually focused teenager.

Rather than just grounding her, perhaps you might want to consider using consequences related to the inappropriate behavior such as limiting her computer usage to homework assignments rather than social communication. If the computer is in her room or she has access to it without monitoring, move it or make it unavailable when you are not there. If she has a cell phone and text messages, we suggest that you check and monitor that as well. Some teens are "sext messaging" one another with words and pictures of body parts taken with their phones. Since she has violated your trust, you may need to tighten your monitoring of her whereabouts and the company she is keeping also.

What ever you and her father decide on, let her know it is a direct result of her inappropriate behavior on the Instant Messaging feature of the computer. Inform her that "trust" must be rebuilt and that takes time. Every time she is where she is supposed to be, with whom she had permission to be with and doing what she said she would be doing, she will be rebuilding that trust. She should be doing extra chores also to help rebuild that trust and keeping her busy around your home if she is grounded. The "sadness" you feel now will fade as the daughter you thought you were caring for returns to your family and the inappropriate teen is no longer evident.

Keep her close and involved in family activities. The more time she spends with you and her father, the faster and better things will mend with your relationships.

This is not something you will likely forget. Allow it to be a teaching opportunity and a chance to pull her closer and help her stay on track with her behaviors as she moves through her teenage years. The peer pressure she is faced with will be more easily resisted if her parents are involved in every aspect of her life.

If you would like to talk about this issue with a counselor, please feel free to call us at the Hotline. We are available to take your call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Good luck with this and let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

Pat, Crisis Counselor

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