Granddaughter Acting Out Around Her Mother

I am writing about my concern about my step daughter and granddaughter. My granddaughter is 8 years old but has been acting out to a point where she is now being defiant when told something. She also has recently been pushing her 6 year old brother, blaming things on him, and generally getting out of control. Most of the time this happens when she is at home with her mom, but it is now happening when she is at our home. At our house she is taking herself out of the room and trying to calm down which usually doesn't work. I then take the initiative to tell her sternly what is expected of her when she is ready to return to our company. It works, because I can be unemotional with her. I try to encourage her mom to also be unemotional but she finds this very difficult and recently voiced "I need to take her to get help" "I can't stand our family life to be like this anymore". She brought her to a therapist for the first time last week, but when there is an outburst it is becoming a crisis. What can I do to help them?

Thanks for contacting us. You can do many things to help your step daughter and granddaughter. Just by being a good support for both of them is helpful. There may also be some strategies that you can follow through within your home when your granddaughter comes to visit.

Has something changed in her environment: at her school, her home, her friends, etc? When she is given an instruction she acts out and/or becomes defiant: is this because she does not like the instruction? It sounds like she is removed from the social situation when in your home. What happens when she is at home with her mother?

What are some things that your granddaughter does well? Can you think of 2-3 positive things that she does each day? Is she receiving praise for all the good choices she makes each day? Remember that consequences change behavior. Does she earn a consequence for acting out or her defiance?

You can do some pre-teaching of some skills: Following instructions, accepting decisions, accepting "no" answers, dealing with anger/frustration, etc. You and her mom can set up practicing these skills, and you can make them fun! For example, give your granddaughter the instruction to get some cookies out of the pantry and a cup of milk. She will look at you, "say ok", and do the task. You will say, "Thank you so very much, (give her a hug and a smile) since you did a good job, you can eat 3 cookies!" Barbara, the idea here is that you practice the skills with some role playing, and then you can move to more "real" instructions. The more practice you do, the more she will be likely to complete instructions given to her in the future; even the instructions she does not like. You can also do many different ideas--the options are endless!

She is 8 years old and it seems that she may be getting frustrated easily or she may be having some problems communicating her feelings. You can encourage her to talk to you, her mom or some other trusted adult to help her cope with her feelings. Seeking professional help is also a good idea. Sometimes with professional help, seems to be slower than expected, but encourage her to be patient. The situation did not get this way over night, and it will not be solved in one session.

If you or your step daughter need to talk to someone, you can call our hotline at 1-800-448-3000. We have counselors available 24/7 and we talk to parents and kids about various issues.

Kara, Counselor

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