Need Help Disciplining Teenage Daughter

my daughter will not listen to us she is skipping school, lying, sneaking out, she feels that she can do what ever she wants. i love her and dont want her to destroy her future. i ground her but it doesnt seem to work. i would like some other ideas or help if possible

Thank you for contacting Boys Town National Hotline. It is great that you have decided to seek support in dealing with your daughter's behaviors. It is clear that you love her and you want her to make good decisions, unfortunately at this age it is very hard for teenagers to think far enough ahead to recognize there may be a consequence for certain behaviors.

One of the most important things to look at is what may be causing these behaviors. Have circumstances in her life changed recently? Has she changed friends, do you know them? Is she involved in any extracurricular activities? Also, have her problem behaviors affected your relationship with her? Often kids' actions cause problems within the family and change the dynamics of how everyone interacts with each other. Make sure that you find opportunities to give her positive messages like praise, hugs, encouragement, etc. Spending time together and maintaining strong family relationships is vital to getting her to follow the rules that you set up for her.

P arents can help their children be successful in making good decisions by setting up clear expectations. If you have not already set up expectations for your daughter in your home now is the time. This can be done at a family meeting, have everyone sit down and decide what behaviors are not appropriate in your home, such as skipping school, lying, and sneaking out. Then as a family, with your daughter's input come up with consequences for those behaviors. Ask her what she thinks an acceptable consequence for sneaking out would be. You may be surprised at what she says. Make a list so the family can go back to it when needed. This should help her understand what you expect from her and also hold her and other family members accountable.

Remember that when kids lie, it is typically to avoid a consequence. Let her know that if she tells the truth, even when she does something wrong, the consequence will not be as big. Teach her to apologize for her misbehaviors, and set her up for success. If you know the truth, state it as a fact rather than to question her about it. Then remember to praise her whenever she is telling the truth.

When deciding what consequences may be used for certain behaviors it may help to keep a few things in mind. Negative consequences should be meaningful to your daughter and proportional to her behavior. Make sure it is something that you can control and follow through with. It will also help if you daughter can earn something back for good behavior.

Here are a few examples of logical consequences that will help children learn from their mistakes:

-Child steals and they have to pay back or work to pay back what they took.
-Child breaks curfew and they have to come in early or not go out the next time.
-Child uses cell phone when they are supposed to be sleeping--take away cell phone in the home or at night.


These are just a few suggestion that you may find helpful, please don't hesitate to call our hotline if you would like to discuss other options (1-800-448-3000). Thank you again for reaching out for support. Best of luck!

Sincerely,

Sunni, Crisis Counselor

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