Teen Son is Being Defiant

What do you do about a 14 year old male child being defiant? He talks back, lies, steals, won't do chores, and threatens to runaway. I don't feel I can punish him, but talking doesn't work either. I have had him in counseling for 5 months, I don't really see any improvements. I just don't know what to do?

I'm glad you found our website and contacted us. At the Boys Town Hotline, we talk to parents everyday who are struggling with similar issues. The behaviors you describe certainly pose a challenge. Parents can usually handle one or two of the behaviors, but the combination you are facing can be overwhelming! It is good you sought outside support through counseling. Obviously, you see your son's potential and want the situation to improve. If you don't feel counseling is effective, talk to the counselor about your concerns. You want to make sure you are on the same page regarding the goals for your son's treatment. Has the counselor provided you with guidance on how to address the inappropriate behaviors?

Is there anything that has changed in his life or environment recently? Sometimes it is just as important to evaluate what happens prior to the behavior as “punishing” him afterward. Often times 14 year olds are exploring their independence. They are typically old enough to care for themselves physically. Although emotionally they still need parental support, structure and involvement in their life. Are you able to spend positive time together? With all his inappropriate behaviors, are you ever able to give him positive messages by letting him know that you love him and are proud of him? There could also be medical issues or emotional issues that need to be dealt with.

You said you don't feel like you can punish him. But you can TEACH him. You can teach him appropriate alternative behaviors to the ones he is now choosing. You can utilize things he enjoys (T.V., video games, computer time, telephone, music, spending time with friends, movies,etc.) to motivate him to make better choices. With teenagers, "Grandma's rule" is good advice. By this we mean that that an activity (a privilege your child likes) is available only after your child finishes a specified task. It will be interesting to discuss how he has responded to your use of both positive and negative motivators in the past.

At the Boys Town Hotline (1-800-448-3000), our counselors are available 24/7 to assist parents. Sometimes it is easier to discuss parenting issues over the phone so we can ask questions about what has worked, what hasn't, what motivates him, etc. Do you think you could give us a call? We have counselors available now, or call us at your convenience.

Sincerely,
Julie, Crisis Counselor

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