Eleven Year Old Becoming Abusive

Having trouble with my 11 yo son. He is very verbally and physically abusive. We were abused for a few years by his father. The father and I used drugs but have been clean for 2 years. We are trying to give the children a better life and to do good in school. My son has not change he has gotten worse and now has hit me and calls me horable names. Sometime he just starts being abusive for nothing. I don't know how to discipline this kind of behavior. I have calmly tried to talk with him and it doesn't help. I don't know what to do with him.

Thank you for contacting the Hotline for help with your son. Parenting can be a tough and frustrating job. You have already proven that you can handle "tough" by keeping yourself clean from drugs for two years. By reaching out for help you have demonstrated that you will not let the frustration with your son's behavior cause you to give up on him. His behaviors are possibly related to the experiences he had during the drug using and abusive past. In those years, his "world" was not predictable and consistent. Therefore it did not feel safe to him.

His hitting and calling names could be behaviors he saw used when his parents had conflicts in the past. He is now mirroring how he thinks conflict should be handled. Many times we are told that children learn more from what we do than from what we say. Explain to him that it may have been how he saw it in the past, but a better way would be to (explain what he should do) when he is faced with conflict. Teach him more socially acceptable alternatives. Give him good reasons why it would be more helpful to him, to do it the way you have described. Then have him practice doing it the way you described. If you and his father can demonstrate this also, he will see it modeled. This teaching technique can work with any behaviors that need changing.

Many times children who have experience or been exposed to violence or abuse benefit from receiving counseling. If you would agree to that, we can help you find some in your area that would not be a financial burden to your family and could be helpful to your son as well as to your other children.

Our counselors are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to help. Give us a call.

Sincerely,
Pat, Crisis Counselor

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