Daughter Yells and Began Hitting

Hi, I really need guidance with my 11-year-old daughter. She has been displaying very wrong behavior and refuses to communicate in any other form than yelling. I have tried talking, spending extra time (something I have established with the kids in order to have a more structured time devoted strictly to that individual, when that seemed ineffective, I began restricting her from things or activities. She recently threw a laundry basket around because it was her turn to do the laundry! I spanked her on her behind for the fifrst time in 2 years. She then started shouting obscene language towards me so I tried to slap her mouth but she ended up punching me in the face and head! What do I do??? I'm so afraid for the other kids to feel that this kind of behavior is acceptible though I have spoken to them about how wrong we both are. Please help me in any way possible. I really don't want to turn her over to the authorities in fear that she may hurt more than it may help. Please advise me on this matter.

Thank you for reaching out and contacting our Hotline tonight. It sounds as though you are really struggling to find what is best for your daughter as well as for your whole family. Is your daughter the oldest child? Has the aggressive behavior been a pattern over time, or would you say it is something which has just started to occur. You can sometimes trace back to a traumatic or stressful event, to when aggressive behaviors start to manifest, but not always.

You said that your daughter only communicates by yelling. Does she only yell at home, or does she yell at her teachers and friends also? If she does not yell at school or to anyone else, try to look in your home for "triggers" for her yelling and her anger. Do you or your husband find yourselves yelling at each other or at the children? Is there tension in the home?

It is not always easy, but it is very important for parents to try to remain calm when their children get angry and out of control. It is also important for parents to teach their children how to calm themselves down and get control of their emotions. It is nearly impossible to solve problems in anger. Teaching your children to manage their anger and calm down is a social skill which they will carry with them for the rest of their lives. One way is to establish a safe plan for your family, which establishes coping skills for the child and parent when they feel like they are staring to lose control. You can talk with her about this when she is not angry.

Next time when you feel the tension rising, try to take deep breaths, count to ten, and/or walk into another room for a few minutes to gain composure. Tell her that you will not talk to her when she is yelling and that she can go to her room until she is calm and ready to talk. It can take a few tries until she understands you mean business and will not tolerate her behavior. But, you have to be in control of your emotions as well for it to really make an impact on her. If she refuses to comply, then you can give her a consequence, later when you are both calm.

You mention possibly sending her to an out of home placement to get help. We believe taking children out of the home is a last resort. While sending your daughter away may not be the answer, a professional Family Therapist who understands children of all ages and families from all situations, can help get your family back on track. Now, if her behavior does not improve and there are other issues such as school and peer problems, etc, you may want to get her a psychological evaluation. Your Pediatrician or Family Doctor can give you referrals for both a Family Therapist and Psychologist, if necessary.

Parenting classes can also be very helpful. We recommend "Common Sense Parenting" classes which are developed by Boys Town, but there may be other good programs in your area. Our website www.parenting.org has more information about Common Sense Parenting as well as parenting books and DVD's. You may call us anytime to speak with a Hotline Crisis Counselor. We speak to parents in situation like yours every day. Please consider calling for more immediate assistance. We are here 24/7 to listen and help.

Take care, and hope to hear from you soon!

Sincerely,
Cynthia, Hotline Crisis Counselor

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