Daughter Picking Up Bad Habits From Friends

My daughter who is 11 years old brings a lot of issues home after she plays outside with her friends. She doesn't listen to my instructions and never learns from previous situations that she gets in trouble for. She hangs out with friends that I don't want her to. It's hard to deal with that. Any advice? Thanks.

I am glad that you found the website and decided to email the Boys Town National Hotline with your parenting concerns. It must be really hard for you to see your daughter being negatively influenced by friends; it is probably even harder for you when she doesn't follow your instructions. Please know that you are not alone. Many parents are struggling with the exact same issues you are describing.

Helping your 11 year old learn to follow directions is something that you can begin working on right away. In order to take away some of the emotion that you are feeling, I would encourage you to view yourself as a teacher (not a mom) with a specific formula for instruction. Just like teaching a child how to tie shoes or how to write their name, there are specific steps you can follow that make the process easy for you and for her.

We teach follow directions in four simple steps. Whenever you or anyone else gives your daughter an instruction she should do the following:
1. Look at the person.
2. Say "okay".
3. Do what is being asked of her right away.
4. Let the person who gave the instruction know that she is finished.

By breaking following directions down into 4 easy steps you can take time to really practice with her until she is able to respond correctly. We always tell parents to praise approximations which means that while she is still learning that you give her encouragement when she is doing part of the four step process in the right way. For instance, if she looks at you, says "okay, mom" and then takes out the trash when told but forgets to come back to tell you she was done, you would praise her for the first three steps and then repractice step #4. The goal is to teach/practice the skill of following directions many times before expecting your daughter to do what she is told perfectly every time. At the start of your practices you will want to reward her each time that she practices correctly and after her first real attempts too. You can reward her with something tangible such as a stick of gum or a piece of candy but make sure that the true reward is your praise of her behavior. You should be smiling and speaking to her in a warm, enthusiastic manner that tells her through your body language that she is doing the right thing!

Because you are concerned that your daughter is hanging around friends that are negatively influencing her, I would encourage you to set some different limits. It is not acceptable for an 11 year old to have the freedom to be where she wants without supervision. Make sure that you are aware of where she is and who she is spending time with at all times. It is okay for you to outline which friends you approve of and those that your daughter needs to avoid. If you don't know who your daughter is befriending, I would encourage you to invite them over to your house or yard and get to know them. Sometimes, parents are really hesitant to get involved in telling a child who the can choose for a friend however without that guidance, children can make some pretty poor choices. It is up to you to educate your daughter as to the type of qualities she should look for in a playmate and those to avoid.

Counselors at the Boys Town National Hotline are available to speak to you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you find that after reading this response and after visiting our website you would like to talk about any of the information we have offered, please don't hesitate to phone the Hotline at the number listed below.

Sincerely,
Linda, Crisis Counselor

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