Adjusting To Change

My husband and I live next door to where his parents live. For the past three and a half years, my son has had full access to visit them whenever he wanted. As a first time parent I took full advantage of this, but I have begun to pay more attention to how it is affecting his schedule (or lack there of) as well as his eating habits. In an effort to rectify this I have decided to let my son visit every other day by going there for one to two hour visits. Understandably, he is not adjusting to this very well and is acting out with hitting, spitting, climbing up and getting into things he knows he shouldn't, and wrecking my house. How can I handle this correctly without making things worse for him?

Thanks for contacting us! Parenting a 4 year old at times is very challenging. Remember that any change, will be difficult for kids to deal with. At your son’s age, he may not understand why you made the decision, and his behavior suggests that he is not happy with the change. Did you ask your In-Laws for help and support of this decision? It will be important that they understand your rationale for the change in accessibility to them.

Now that you have limited in his time with his grandparents, then he may need more monitoring and more attention from you. Can you and/or your husband spend more time with your son during the transition time? You might also consider a gradual shift in his schedule and eating habits if you think that the change was too much at once.

This may be a good opportunity to have him learn a responsibility by helping with chores. Have him help you with folding laundry, putting clothes away, maybe even unloading the dishwasher. This can be good quality time spent with your son which will improve your relationship with him.

Also, think about the behaviors that your son is displaying and how you would like him to act instead. You can pre-teach your son how to act when he is given a decision or when you correct his behavior. If your son chooses to act out, then he will earn an age appropriate consequence. He may lose a toy or something else that is special to him. He can begin to understand that there is a connection between his behaviors and what he is allowed to do. Think about what positive behaviors your son displays. Really praise him when he chooses to be respectful to you (rather than sticking out his tongue). He can even earn stars or check marks on a chart or calendar for positive behaviors.

If you need to talk to someone, you can also call the Boys Town National Hotline at 1-800-448-3000. We have counselors available 24/7 and sometimes it helps to talk to someone. Take care and good luck--let us know what suggestions you have tried!

Sincerely,
Kara, Crisis Counselor

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