Problems With Lying

My son is 12 years old and lies about every little thing, to the point we don't believe anything he tells us as he is always found out to be lying. Can you tell me why this is and what to do about it?

Thank you for contacting us for help. Children who are dishonest can be extremely frustrating. As parents we always want to know why this is occurring with this particular child and why not with the others. When looking for the reasons for undesirable behaviors occurring and continuing, it helps to ask some questions; Who is the child dishonest with? What does he lie about? When does he lie, is it when confronted with suspicions of negative behavior? Where is he when he lies, alone with a parent or in front of others? We also want to be aware of what happens when he is dishonest? Is there a negative consequence and does teaching occur to remind him of the importance of honesty?

Teenagers and younger children often have difficulty telling the truth. They usually are attempting to avoid conflict, punishment, or embarrassment. This may also mean that they do not tell you the whole story in order to avoid information that may get them in trouble. It is often easier for them to tell a lie than to admit responsibility for their behavior.

Something to keep in mind when talking to your son is to keep your questioning neutral, don’t make accusations or interrogate him as this can back him into a corner and he may resort to lying in order to avoid punishment. Set him up for success to tell the truth by not trying to trap him in a lie.

If you are not using negative consequences we encourage you to do that making sure the consequences are meaningful to your son, issued immediately, contingent on his behavior and about the right size in proportion to the seriousness of the behavior. Consistently using and enforcing consequences can help change behaviors along with teaching. Negative consequences usually are loss of a privilege or the addition of a work chore. Often parents want to confront their children right away. Sometimes it is helpful to wait until you've thought through how to best address your suspicions.

We know that getting children to practice doing things the right way makes it more likely they will actually do it when faced with the opportunity. One way to help him practice being honest is to set it up with him that in the morning before school, you will ask him 3 questions. You will already know the answer to two of them. He does not know which two. For each honest answer, he can earn something he likes. If he is dishonest, use a negative consequence immediately. It is a good idea to do this in the later part of the day also. It will take some effort on you and your husband's part, but will be worth it if your son can begin to be honest more frequently than he is dishonest. Children are used to practicing so he will likely not have a problem with this. If you chose to keep score of his honest answers and at the end of the day or half-way through the week make sure there is a positive consequence to reinforce the honesty.

This behavior will not change overnight. He has been doing it for quite a while, and it will take some time for him to form a new habit. Don't give up. Parenting can be a tough job but probably the most important one you will ever have.

If you would like to visit with a counselor about this issue or other parenting issues, please call the Hotline at 1-800-448-3000. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Sincerely,
Pat, Crisis Counselor

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