Early Childhood

In order to best help your daughter, define exactly how you would like her to behave when something upsets her. Give her examples of what would be appropriate to say when someone is joking around with her. Let her explain to you how upset she felt when you were joking with her. It sounds like her sensitivity level may be different than yours or your other daughter's, so when talking or joking around with her, remember she’s probably going to be more sensitive.

Having school involvement is a step we usually encourage; a school can be a parent's best ally. When it comes to rules in the home and changing current behaviors, it's important to use consequences. Consequences can be both positive and negative. Positive consequences increase the chances of a behavior happening, while negative consequences decrease the chance of a behavior happening.

When it comes to using consequences, keep five things in mind. The consequence should be:  

1. Important to the child
2. Immediate 
3. Appropriately-sized
4. Relative to the behavior 
5. Appropriate to your child's level of development

If a child doesn't mind that TV is taken away, it won't be an effective way to change a behavior. It needs to be something he values. When administering consequences, it's important to understand that it's more than just giving out a punishment. It's also a time for you to teach your child. Let me give you an example: A parent walks in on a child coloring on the walls with crayons. As a punishment, the child must wash the wall, but the parent also steps in and shows the child where it is appropriate to color. He then brings the child paper.

It might also help to have him go for a psychological evaluation to rule out anything else that might be causing some of his behaviors. Most school systems have a psychologist within the district who can help with this. We can also help you find other referrals for this type of service if you don't want to go through the school.

Once we learn how to do something, it can be hard to think back to when we didn't know how to do it. When you were a little person, did you instinctively know how to ride a bike or write in cursive? No, we are taught how to do it, and this same principal needs to be in place with your 1-year-old.

Your son is beginning to realize that his is an actual person. His language is developing, and he’s starting to walk which leads to wanting more independence. He’s also entering a phase of exploring the world around him. Your son's behaviors are normal. We might see them as aggressive, but this is part of his development. He may be discovering he can have an impact on things around him. What an amazing revelation! It's all new to him, and the only way he’ll learn if a behavior is good or bad depends on you to constantly remind him.

When it comes to "disciplining" or teaching a one-year-old, it's difficult because they don't understand what you're trying to do.  Timeout is not appropriate for his level of development. Instead, when he hits, take his hand and firmly tell him "no." When he bites, grab the place he bit and tell him "ow, no." Instead of thinking of your response as "distracting" him, try to think of it as redirecting him to a more positive behavior. If he takes a toy and hits someone with it, tell him "no" and show him how to use the toy appropriately. If he repeats this behavior, tell him "no" and try putting the toy in timeout and then let him try again. You may have to repeat this several times.

Continue this so he can start to piece together the sequence of events. Understand that it may take him more than one day to understand that he's not supposed to do this. Stay consistent and only show praise and attention when you want the chances of a behavior to increase.

Lots of parents struggle with making the decision of day care versus home care, and really it comes down to personal advantages and disadvantages for your family's needs. From what we know of day care programs, most of them are very structured. There might be outside time, craft activities and activities which gear children to interact with other kids. These interactions teach kids how to share and how to get along with others. Home care settings might be more personable but might lack structure.

Decide which is more important to you and factor in cost, location and types of activities offered. Talk with your pediatrician if you have further concerns.

You are correct in understanding that some of this is normal, and even the finger experimentation is normal. Little ones often stick their fingers anywhere there is a hole that the finger fits into whether on their own bodies, someone else's body or even a pet.

Because this is a behavior that you do not want to encourage or see more of, follow your instincts and have her stop by telling her not to do that. Take her hand away from the area and redirect her attention elsewhere. Give her the soap or the washcloth and have her wash her toes -- something that keeps her hands busy on a different area of her body.

It’s also time to talk with her about her "private parts." Since she’s becoming more aware of those parts, it’s necessary to keep herself safe by labeling them "private" and teaching her what that means. Explain that others should not see or touch them. Have this conversation with her at bath time to make sure she remembers what parts are private and use the opportunity to ask if anyone has touched them.

As far as the color of your son's stools and the interpretation of that color, that is a question for your pediatrician. However, we can offer some suggestions about getting your boys to eat food that is nourishing to their bodies.

Offer food frequently throughout the day. Try dry cereal in small containers in the morning along with milk or juice in a cup with a lid and straw. Limit the amount of both beverages. Sometimes kids prefer to drink than to eat, and that is not good for them. Breakfast bars can be very nutritious and easy for kids to eat. Small boxes of raisins make nourishing snacks. Cheese sticks are good for kids, easy for them to hold in their hands and a good protein source. Some children even like beef jerky.  Apples cut into small slices or bite-sized pieces are more easily eaten by small children. Offer baby carrots and perhaps a Ranch dip.

Do not allow your boys to exist on snack foods such as cookies and French-fries. Only provide healthy choices.  Then when they do eat, it’ll be something that’s good for them.

Sometimes we go through some really tough times and different tribulations before we find the right thing that works for us. You have given us lots of examples of things you have tried in the past, but we just need to find out what works for your son. When you went to see a counselor, what types of suggestions did they make? From what you described, you use negative consequences. Negative consequences are utilized to make a certain behavior decrease. This doesn't seem to be working on its own, and I'm sure it's only left you feeling more frustrated. In order to see change, you need to change the way that you are approaching this topic.

When it comes to consequences, there are negative and positive consequences. Unlike negative consequences, a positive consequence will increase the chance of a behavior happening. If you haven't tried so, we encourage you to switch focus and start to reward good behavior. To a child, any attention is better than no attention at all. If your son is making the connection that he gets attention from you only when he's bad, he’s likely to continue such behavior.

Examples of positive consequences could include story time with you, special projects that you two work on together, picking what is made for dinner, getting to play a favorite game or being in charge of selecting the movie for a family night. Start with small goals that give him more immediate reinforcement. If he has a good day, he receives a sticker. At the end of the week if he has the predetermined number of stickers agreed upon, he’ll be rewarded with something he wants. We want to avoid being redundant because we certainly don't want to increase your frustration with things you have already tried. Let us know how it goes.

It sounds like your toddler is really testing your limits at bedtime. Even though you didn’t go through this with your son, this bedtime dilemma is very common. Rest assured that bedtime is a learned routine, and it will get better.

You’re doing a lot of positive things already. By incorporating the calendar, you’re reinforcing the good behavior that you want to see more of (going to bed tantrum-free). The expectation of being good for an entire week might just be too long of a time frame for her. See if she responds to a more immediate reward.

Children respond well to structure and predictability, so try to follow the same bedtime routine each and every night. Start with a soothing bath, put on pajamas, read a story, then tuck her in and give lots of goodnight hugs and kisses. During the routine, tell your daughter what’s next, so she’s not surprised. For example during her bath, you might say: “In five minutes, bath time will be over, and then we’ll get our jammies on.” This lets her know each step before it happens. Also make sure that bedtime is the same every single night. This will condition your daughter to be sleepy the same time of day every day.

You may also want to consider eliminating your daughter’s daytime nap (if she’s taking one). A daytime nap may be affecting her ability to sleep at night because she’s not tired. Every child is different, but typically children outgrow naps around 3 years of age. If you’re unsure about whether or not your child still needs a nap, you can contact her pediatrician.

You were able to state several factors that are most likely contributing to the situation -- your pregnancy, his father’s schedule and your son’s age. Your energy and hormone level, his jealously and concerns about having another sibling and both of you spending an extended amount of time together without your husband may all be affecting his behavior.

Knowing these factors can help you to stay calm when he is upset. At this age, his behavior is motivated by getting a response. If that is a positive or negative response is of little concern. That is why it’s vital you focus on staying calm in all interactions with him. If he’s yelling, kicking walls or saying he’s going to wet his pants, remain calm. You’ll not only be taking away some of the fuel for his fire but teaching him self-control as he watches you take deep breaths and think before you speak.

Some teachers have lower tolerances for behaviors and some schools as well. When children are used to getting by with certain things and then suddenly no longer can, negative behaviors can result.

To help your son adjust and be more successful in school, ask his teachers for specific examples of his misbehaviors. Ask what the setting was, when it happened, who was around and what was said to him prior to his acting out. Look for a pattern and try to figure out what your son is getting from his behaviors. Work with his teacher to develop a plan to teach him an alternative behavior that can take the place of the disrespectful talking out. Follow these three steps:

1. Describe what you want him to do instead of his talking back.
2. Give him a reason that points out the benefit to him.
3. Help him practice doing what you have taught him.

Be consistent and support his efforts in making positive changes in the right direction.