counselor

When correcting harmful behavior in a child, it’s important to have very clear expectations and consistent and meaningful consequences when those expectations are not met. Addressing problem behavior early on is critical; while it takes more time up front, it will pay off in less resistance against established expectations as the child grows up. 

That being said, your daughter’s comments about wanting to kill herself are very concerning and should not be ignored. At this young age, she should be monitored at all times. Even if she is in her room, you should check on her at least every 15 minutes. Even at age 6, she could put herself in danger if not monitored.

Communicate clear boundaries to your daughter and patiently yet firmly correct her when she crosses those boundaries. You also should seek help from a professional counselor to find out why your daughter is expressing a desire to harm herself. 

When an older child suddenly struggles with potty issues, the first thing you should do is take the child to the pediatrician. A physical issue may be the reason for a change in bathroom habits. If the child continues to refuse to use the bathroom and continues to have accidents once any physiological issues have been addressed and treated, it’s possible that an emotional cause may be driving the physical behavior. 

A professional counselor can help uncover the emotional root of the issue and help the child overcome any fears or anxieties that may be driving the behavior. A counselor can also help parents and children establish healthy bathroom routines. For your granddaughter’s health and emotional well-being, it’s best to get her to the doctor and a counselor, if necessary, as soon as possible.

Your daughter's behaviors are unacceptable regardless of the reasons behind them. In many states, it is illegal to not provide your child with an education. If a youth misses school, the parent is contacted by the county attorney and a court hearing is scheduled.

Your daughter's status in life at this time is a full-time student. She should not be getting a message that she can "call the shots" in your family and can break the law without consequences. As a parent, you want her to grow up healthy, physically and emotionally, and to be happy in the world in which she lives. That’s not going to happen if she doesn't get back on track.

If she had a medical issue and refused to go in for treatment, would you allow that? If she is not willing to go to a counselor, perhaps you could have someone come to your home. Another suggestion is to make home a less fun place than school. Require her to get up and begin working on her studies at the same time school is in session. During a break, she should complete chores. There should be no TV, computer, video games or other fun activities.

Your goal must be to help her control herself and go back to school. Your attempt to schedule follow-up therapy is exactly what needs to occur to help her make that decision if she can't get there without help.

You mention many good strategies, but you did not say what your son is doing with the money he is stealing. Is he buying things with it or giving it to other kids?  What is he doing to make up for the stealing? If this behavior continues, he runs the risk of earning jail time. There has to be consequences and restitution.

Do you suspect that he is smoking pot or using any other illegal substances? There are kids all over the country taking advantage of a substance that can be purchased online or possibly at a mall. It is called K-2. It affects each child differently, mostly because it is a manmade chemical that is applied to natural leaves. This may be the cause of your son’s personality change.

Since he is not responding to traditional consequences, have him evaluated by a counselor or someone who works with substance abuse. Sometimes parents are too emotionally close to a situation to see what is really going on.

Your son’s lack of focus will not likely get any better on its own, and so professional intervention is recommended. You have a few sources of help to pursue. The first is his school. Nearly all school districts have school psychologists who can help pinpoint what is going on with your son’s lack of concentration. Tutoring services may also be an option to help your son stay on track with his schooling and to learn some new study skills.

Another source is a counselor or therapist who specializes in helping young adolescents who struggle with self-confidence, goal-setting and follow-through. Your family doctor can make a referral. You can also call the Boys Town hotline at 800-448-3000 for a referral in your community.

You will need to establish guidelines for behavior and enforce consequences when these guidelines are not met. It is not OK for him to show you disrespect and disobey rules. When he does these things, take away a privilege and make him earn back the privilege by proving that he can be respectful and follow the rules. Since his friends are important to him, you can take away his time spent with them.  

It sounds like your son has been through quite a bit and has unresolved feelings about the upheaval in his life. His initial willingness to open up with counselors indicates that he wants help even though he reverts back to his unhealthy behavior once he is home.  

Given the situation, consider in-home family services. An in-home specialist actually comes to your house and works with your family as a whole, while paying individual attention to family members as well. He might be more willing to talk to and open up if someone comes to him. He would not be able to opt out.  

Boys Town can help you find services of this nature in your area. Just give us a call. You can also always talk to one of our counselors at 800-448-3000.

Your daughter’s online schooling is an unnatural social setting for a teen. Without interaction with her peers, she is missing out on the discussions that teens share about preparing for their future and transitioning into the next phase of life.  

At 18, your daughter would typically have a job, be making plans for college, maybe considering entering the military or receiving training to enter the workforce.

She needs responsibilities and chores around the house. Put her in charge of preparing the family’s evening meal once a week. Make the Internet and other electronic communication off-limits for the entire family at a certain time of the day. Help her become more adapted to normal work and school schedules. Have her explore viable job options. Insist that she get this vital experience while you are still supporting her. She cannot wait until she is out on her own and financially responsible for herself.  

Your daughter can decline counseling if she can prove that she does not need it. So, let her know what she is required to do to prove her normalcy and if she does not comply, ensure that she attend counseling sessions. This is not optional.

We, too, feel that professional intervention is imminent. Here are answers to your question about mental health professionals:

• A psychiatrist is qualified to prescribe and monitor medication, and is a doctor- level Ph.D.
• A clinical psychologist is a doctor-level Ph.D. He or she often conducts psychological evaluations and makes diagnoses based on the results of the evaluations. He or she typically provides information to a psychiatrist if they feel that the patient would benefit from medication.
• A therapist typically has a master’s-level education. Depending on his area of education, he can provide therapy to children, individuals, families and couples. Therapists do not typically offer diagnoses, but they are often able to recognize characteristics and symptoms that fit certain diagnoses.
• Counselors usually have a bachelor’s-level education and have been trained in a specific area. They are often not licensed.

If the school counselor has a recommendation, he or she would be a good resource. Your family physician may also be a good resource for referrals in your community. We can make referrals based on your city and state as well.

It sounds like your son is struggling emotionally with the divorce and this is reflected in his deteriorating grades. The first thing we recommend is making an appointment with a counselor. Your son may have a lot on his mind that he needs to talk about before he can focus on what is important, such as his grades.  

If you’ve tried counseling, consider why it did not work. Sometimes kids do not click with their first counselor. It is not uncommon to try a second or third counselor before you find someone to whom your son responds. Consider counseling even if you have tried it before.

You can also try to assess your son’s feelings about his father to see if he needs to spend more time with his dad. Arranging more visits and phone calls with his father may provide the emotional support that he needs right now. 

In the meantime, make sure you are spending quality time with your son as well.  This does not mean that you force him to open up to you or convince him to complete his homework. It means setting aside time to just talk about what is on his mind and inquire about his day. Go to a movie. Grab a bite to eat. Take him on a hike. Encourage him to participate in hobbies that he enjoys. Small, pleasant conversations can be priceless.  

Lastly, we recommend that he contact the Boys Town National Hotline if he’d like to talk. He can email hotline@boystown.org or call 1-800-448-3000. That goes for you as well!